Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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