I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
