i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
