respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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