I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
