I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
