Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
