alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
