I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
