I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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