Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
