The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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