his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm like, not good at living.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
