i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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