I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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