You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
