At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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