cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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