please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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