I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
