Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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