I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
