She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
