piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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