K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
