You're a womanizer and a bitch.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
