Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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