Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
