okay pat passed out under dana's car
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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