I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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