She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
