Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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