Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
