life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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