New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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