i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
