Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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