WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
