apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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