GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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