Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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