"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
bring money and cleavage
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
