Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize