i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize