Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
