I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
