This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
