We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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