On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
