Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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