worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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