What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
