having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
