the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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