Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
