I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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