I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
