remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize