Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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