he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
