I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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