Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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