Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
