There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
