I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
