I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
