She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
